Joe Redifer's Super-Awesome Reviews!!!!

[George Foreman]

Originally Posted by cosmoblues

It's the King, man, why even question the staying power of such an Adonis-like demigod? And you had the audacity to get rid of them? That's equivalent to shunning the King himself, and adopting false idols, such as the Noid, or that annoying Hamburgler; you go burn in Hell.

Avoid the Noid 4ever1!1!

[Joe Redifer]

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out
4/10
Nintendo Entertainment System


Nintendo later tried to get Tyson
to endorse their rape simulator.

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out is a game that every Nintendo fanboy creams themselves over at just the thought of. They have tried to pass laws to make it illegal to say anything about the game that is even slightly less than awesome. Well I'm about to break the hearts of many Nintendo fans and make them cry with my review since I didn't give it above an 8. Watch in horror (or amusement) as they are unable to cope with an opinion of the game that does not lavish as much praise as they think it should have. Ninja Gaiden Xbox fans are the same way. Of course Sega fans are perfectly OK and cool all the time.


Mario (right) makes an appearance to encourage
violence as a solution to every problem.

Graphics: 8/10
The graphics are pretty damn good for the NES. Sprites are big (especially since all of your foes are 12 foot giants), there is little if any flicker or slow down at all. The scrolling in the "training" scene is really cool and the Statue of Liberty looks so real you think you're watching an HDTV documentary on its significance to the New York area. The NES should not be able to pull this stuff off. Actually, I doubt it can. I'm sure it cheats by using some sort of assistant chip in the cartridge. Regardless, it does look and move great for an 8-bit game.


Nigga stole my bike!

Sound: 8/10
The sound of the crowd, while repetitive, does sound good for a low-meg 8-bit cart. It would have sounded more like running water if it had been on the Sega Master System. The music is engaging and gets me pumped, especially when an opponent falls to the mat. I like it. I wouldn't record it and listen to it in my car, but it fits the game well. Mario has little PSG buzzes for his voice, but it works out pretty well.


If you lose this match, Mike Tyson will eat
your face and poop it back out onto your head.
And you will likely lose, yes.

Gameplay: 3/10
First off, let me start out by stating that I hate the sport of boxing. It is fucking retarded. I also don't really understand (or care) how it works with the rounds and different jabs and such. The rounds certainly don't work like Street Fighter, but they should. Nintendo makes it even more jacked up by adding stars and hearts. I have no fucking clue what they do, although my number of hearts seems to decrease for no reason at a constant pace and when I press the START button I go into to some super-massive-combo mode or some dumbshit crap like that. A star will often appear over the head of my opponent when I hit them, not sure why. Sometimes I will randomly turn pink and lose all control of my character. I can't block, I can barely move, and I can't recover. Seriously, when this happens you might as well just put the controller down. It's bullshit, I tell you. Many of your opponents have varying ethnicities. And your character is white. You get to beat up on a ton of people who chose not to be white. You have to fight a few whities as well just to prove that you're their king. Nintendo is saying that they do not support races other than white people with this game, as you can only choose a white guy to beat everyone else up. You block by pressing DOWN, but this rarely seems effective when someone throws a color-flashing punch at you. You can throw punches to the gut or the face, but your opponents block most of your attacks. The control pretty much sucks shaved balls (with stubble). It's not very fun and actually pisses me off. I don't know where people are finding the "fun" in this game. I looked at looked and I could only find a good presentation, but not much enjoyment. I have more fun and ambition forcing out turds that have been sitting in my rectum drying up for 5 days. My NES deserves better games than this. **Plugs in "Kid Kool"** Yeah, that's better.


A 107 pound 17 year old? When I was 17, I was really
skinny and I weighed 135. This kid must be tiny. How
is it that he is able to fight 38 year olds (and older),
some who likely weigh three times as much? Asswipe.

Wrap Up:
I'm sure by now I've caused some very strong emotions with Nintendo loyalists as well as many bitter tears. But I will not change my opinion on this game.

[Paper exe]

It sound like you really aren't trying to enjoy it.

[Joe Redifer]

I tried Paper, I really did. I guess I had to have grown up with the game to enjoy it.

[Icarus4578]

I should suffocate you in your sleep for daring to write that!

But in reality, I can sort of see where you're coming from. You grew up on the SMS moreso than the NES, and since Punch-Out! is an old launch game and not modern like Arena Football: Road to Glory, it's harder to get used to. I don't have a problem enjoying it. In fact, out of the older NES software, it remains one of the most replayable.

[Sinful Sam]

From what I remember you get a star when you counter an attack or if you’re able to find an open hit at the opponent’s stance pattern. You turn pink after your opponent blocks your attacks a few times. When you turn pink you can only dodge; after a few dodges you regain your stamina.

[Nindalf]

Originally Posted by Joe Redifer

Nintendo makes it even more jacked up by adding stars and hearts. I have no fucking clue what they do, although my number of hearts seems to decrease for no reason at a constant pace and when I press the START button I go into to some super-massive-combo mode or some dumbshit crap like that. A star will often appear over the head of my opponent when I hit them, not sure why. Sometimes I will randomly turn pink and lose all control of my character. I can't block, I can barely move, and I can't recover. Seriously, when this happens you might as well just put the controller down. It's bullshit, I tell you.

for a while i wondered how anyone could dislike this game that much, but after reading the review i discovered the problem. you just suck at it.

[Vegetto]

awesome game, love it to death

[Joe Redifer]

Originally Posted by Nindalf

for a while i wondered how anyone could dislike this game that much, but after reading the review i discovered the problem. you just suck at it.

True enough. However when it comes to fighting games I was weaned on Street Fighter, not shitty boxing. I have never played a boxing game that I liked. Though if the game was as great as Nintendo fanboys claim it is, I should love it to death before I even let go of the POWER button the first time I turn it on, right? Right?

[Vegetto]

a fighting game? i have never considered punch out a fighting game

[Nindalf]

i consider it sex i can have.

[Chronos]

Watch in horror (or amusement) as they are unable to cope with an opinion of the game that does not lavish as much praise as they think it should have. Ninja Gaiden Xbox fans are the same way. Of course Sega fans are perfectly OK and cool all the time.

Blasphemous!

[Nano Fox]

lmao that's where the nigga stole my bike came from, oh god mike tyson ftw!

[eastx]

Another great review. I agree with you about Punch Out. I've never played the SNES game, but memorizing patterns ad-nauseum isn't my kind of game.

I also passed on Ninja Gaiden for Xbox because like most Team Ninja games, it is stupidly hard. Itagaki is not a true gamer (despite voicing his opinions on many games) and does not understand that games are for entertainment rather than punishment.

[Alexander]

Originally Posted by AtariX

True story about the Genesis version Mercs here. A long time friend of mine was in town recently and we used to play Mercs at the local arcade all the time, back in the day. The local used movie/music/video game store by my house had a complete copy of Mercs for the Genesis that had been tempting me for weeks. When my buddy got into town, we stopped by the used video game store and picked up the copy of Mercs, all excited to relive the great two player co-op goodness of Mercs. We got home, grabbed a few beers, inserted Mercs into the cart slot and powered up the Sega CDX. I then proudly placed the Mercs box on the bookshelf, along with my growing collection of Genesis and Sega CD games. I grabbed my two six button controllers, placed one in my buddies hand and the other remained in my hand. We sat down on the couch, took a few sips of beer and then I hit the start button. Hmmm....where is the 2-player option? Well, I told my buddy that I'll just start the game and that he could probably hit start and join right in, just like in the arcade. Hmmm...that didn't work. I turned off the CDX and powered it up agian, as I just must of missed the 2-player co-op option in the menu. Hmmm...still couldn't find it...I better check the instruction booklet. I picked up the Mercs box and there on the bottom left hand corner was a little 1-player only logo... ... ....
<fists raised in the air>Noooooo! Damn you Sega and Capcom!!!!!

Oh man, that sucks. What happened next?