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Old 05-20-2007, 08:44 PM   #1261
eastx
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Speaking of buying Mercs expecting it to be multiplayer, a friend and I both bought River City Ransom EX on GBA for the multiplayer... What a drag that it didn't have any!

Joe, how've you been? Hope you'll have more reviews soon.
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Old 05-20-2007, 09:11 PM   #1262
Joe Redifer
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New review coming soon! Just not sure what it will be yet.

(HINT: For those of you from the future, my review will have already been written. Simply scroll down to see what it ends up being! Oh I can't wait until I am in the future and can do that, too!)
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:59 AM   #1263
Alexander
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So...
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Old 06-06-2007, 02:23 AM   #1264
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Princess Crown
7/10
Sega Saturn


If you like purple, you'll rock out to this cover.

Princess Crown is one of those games that can go for close to $100 on eBay. My copy just kind of fell into my lap for free thanks to a friend who was giving away boxloads of free brand new Princess Crowns at the time. Did you get yours? I had never even heard of the game the first time I was holding it in my hand. I put it in my Saturn and was bombarded with a ton of Japanese text. I put it away to try later. But everyone on the internet said it was the best game ever made, so I decided to give it another try.


This game destroys Soul Calibur when it comes to battles! Well, actually not.

Story: ?/10
The game is in Japanese, so I have no fucking clue what it is about. But from what I can gather, your name is Gradriel and your mom kicked some demon's ass in the beginning of the game. Everyone was happy. Then she had some dude penetrate her vagina with his penis and you were born. Then somehow she died because the graphic full-screen animated sex scene is the last we see of her (with the exception of a picture that hangs in the castle of the sex act). You are crowned princess or queen or whatever. Then you are sent to bed. You are like "Fuck this shit. I'm the god damn princess and I'm saving the world!", then you get dressed in your purple princess duds (crown included) and sneak out of the castle with the help of some fairy bitch. Along the way you save children and make friends with a few other people who usually show up to save your sorry ass. Later, the world is saved and everyone thinks that you are one hot piece of 13-year old ass. Pedophiles rejoice. This is your game.


You can talk to the ducks in some of the towns. That kicks ass.

Graphics: 8/10
This is a 2D game. 2D games kick ass. For the most part, 2D games wipe the floor with 3D games. You can have your polygons. Polygons are for pussies. Only people who like AIDS like polygons. Anyway the graphics here kind of show off the Saturn's god-like 2D powers. Unfortunately scrolling is only limited to 3 layers. Pfft. The Saturn can do way better. Then again this is Atlus. What do they know about super awesomeness? Maybe a little, but not enough! The graphics are all drawn very well though. I like that. Lots of detail. I like that as well. And when I like things, the score improves. The animation isn't bad, about what you'd expect from a company who chose the name "Atlus" to represent themselves. As with all RPG-type games, every town has the same people as the last town, at least visually. The princess herself has a dress which kind of makes her look like a pumpkin, especially when she squats.


You select one of 8 items by rotating the crap so that what you
want to use is in the bitch's outstretched hand. Genius!


Sound: 7/10
There's really not much to the sound. No voices, the sound effects are minimal, and the music is perhaps a bit above average. But again, this is Atlus. What do they know? Apparently their sound abilities have improved over the years, however. There are some good music tracks here and there, and it is all red book so you can pop it into your CD player and boogie down. The game is even in stereo, with the bitch's footsteps walking left to right during some loading screens. It will blow you away!


Slice up that little witch with your super moves!


Gradriel freaks out when she sees a hot naked fairy appear before her.
The makers of the fabulous Stormlord would be proud.


Gameplay: 7/10
It's an action RPG. You wander around towns and shit talking to people gaining information that you can't read since it is in some other retarded language that's not freakin' English. Seriously, English is the best language (I wouldn't speak it if it weren't). There is no use for other languages. All other languages should be destroyed immediately. OK, now then... you can also buy stuff and save in towns. You can wander the countryside and random battles will occur. The fairy bitch will give you your huge-ass sword out of nowhere. Honestly, where the hell is the sword the rest of the time? It's so big it couldn't easily be hidden. There probably is an in-game explanation, but of course it's in Japanese. The fighting scenes can be kind of cool. You have a few different moves which you can do, almost Street Fighter style. Unfortunately it seems to be very slow in this department... as in not responsive enough. If you pull off a super finishing move, you'll get a "sunburst" like many Street Fighter games. Kind of cool! Fighting the Goblins sucks ass because there are 3 of them and the unresponsiveness really shines when you fight them. You have a bag that can carry up to 8 items. To carry more you need to get another bag, but I have never been able to figure out quite how that works. You also eat lots of food to restore your strength and shit. Each food item usually lasts about 3 bites. Some foods you must cook. If you have a pan you can "combine" it with a raw food item to get a cooked food item. Each pan seems to be able to be used only once, and some pans don't seem to have any use. Pisses me off. You can also have pubs cook food for a fee. There are lots of items to use, and I'll be witch's nipple if I can figure out what most of them do. Many obviously increase some of your abilities in battle, but they have a limited-time effect. Lame. Still, once you get the hang of things the game is fairly fun. It lasts over 20 hours or so, then you can play as other characters (selectable by choosing different books in the beginning). This game would have rated an 8 at least if it had been in the one tr00 proper language... English!


The first of multiple dragons you must fight. Notice the screen fills
with words that are used to impress you in fighting games like "COUNTER!"
I'm impressed.


Wrap up:
So, like, I hear there is a spiritual sequel to this game for the PlayStation 2 called Odin Sphere or some shit.

Last edited by Joe Redifer; 06-06-2007 at 02:37 AM.
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Old 06-09-2007, 06:23 AM   #1265
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The game looks neat. I been wanting to try out Odin Sphere. The 2D graphics just look awesome.
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Old 06-11-2007, 01:44 AM   #1266
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Odin Sphere would of been great if it was a side scroller. Running in circles got real boring. The backdrops got repetitive too. It had great english voice-overs though. Princess Crown must have had more flavor to it. Good review.
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Old 06-12-2007, 01:52 AM   #1267
Alexander
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By the way, I love purple.
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Old 06-16-2007, 09:45 AM   #1268
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if i remember correctly i think i played odin sphere on demo- was perhaps in my top ten games list- just for the demo, but i lost it and forgot the name-

the main character from the beginning is like a your bush boy tarzan with hairy hair or something, and at the end of the first level you reach a villege with elders or elves or something like that.- it was such a cool game. kirby-like i could describe it but better.
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Old 06-16-2007, 04:40 PM   #1269
Joe Redifer
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Samurai Shodown II
5/10
Neo Geo


I bought the Japanese version since it
was much cheaper... thank Buddha!


SNK has piss-poor designers and programmers, and this 202 mega game is testament to that fact. Every SNK-programmed fighter I have played has been extremely cheap and at least somewhat difficult to control. SNK fighting games do not welcome novice players, only the XtReMe hardcore are allowed to play. So basically the design of their games did not allow their fanbase to grow. Brilliant!


This game is fucking retarded.

Graphics: 7/10
The graphics aren't bad, but like the majority of Neo Geo games they're not particularly colorful, either. The Neo Geo supposedly had over 65,000 colors with the ability of putting over 4,000 of them onscreen at once, but you'd never know it by looking at their games. That's twice as many total colors as the SNES, and 16 times as many on screen at once, yet somehow the SNES raped the Neo Geo in terms of colors. SNK just didn't try very hard, I assume. The animation is acceptable and I can't fault it, though it isn't mindblowing in any way. It was certainly good enough back when this game was new. There is some full screen scaling when the characters get too far apart and it is fairly smooth. A ton of detail is lost when the screen shrinks, obviously. The backgrounds are drawn OK. Nothing really stands out too much or is really in any way memorable.


When the screen scales out, everything becomes a
jumbled mess of pixels that looks like ass.


Sound: 7/10
Lots of voices here, pretty much all in Japanese. I thought English was a required language for them in elementary schools over there. Those fags, they should be speaking English. Their language is obsolete. Anyway the quality of the voices and shit like that is good. The music is mostly atmospheric, and most of it sounds exactly the same (random Japanese instruments being plucked randomly with absolutely no melody whatsoever). There are so many Genesis and SNES soundtracks that kick the ass of this game. I thought the Neo Geo was supposed to be Bigger, Badder and Better. Guess not.


None of the characters have much individuality to
them. Like the music, they all seem the same to me.


Gameplay: 4/10
Playing this game is where the pain really comes in. It's way too difficult in single player mode. You have high and low blocks which in itself is extraordinarily gay, and every time you attack your opponent they grab and throw you. If you both attack each other at the exact same time, guess whose attack will count and whose doesn't? I'm generally pretty damn good at fighting games, but this one just sucks so much that I don't even want to play it. When your POW meter fills up, I think you can do a special attack, but you never get the time to press all of those directions plus the button required. It's like a full reverse half circle then forward plus A or D or some shit depending on the character. By the time you are even a quarter of the way through that, you are getting slashed or thrown. The game is not fun to play. No wonder Capcom makes money whereas SNK is bankrupt. If only they had made better games. SNK fans love the hell out of this game. But they have to. There's not a ton of stuff to choose from on the Neo Geo.


You can lose your weapons 'n shit. Curiously, if you want
to do a lot of damage, use your weakest attack again and again.
Medium and strong attacks rarely connect due to shitty design.


Wrap Up:
I really hate SNK fighting games. They're actually pretty good in two-player mode where the odds are even, but they are way too cheap in single player mode which was the basis of this review. I guess if you were weaned on SNK fighting games and never played a Capcom fighting game, this would appear to have quality. I laugh at SNK because they are bankrupt. Ha ha SNK! LOL @ U. The rest of the world laughs at you because you failed... HARD. The game gets an additional point due to the nonsensical Engrish in the game. Sometimes I don't even know what they are trying to say, as the text is often not even in complete sentences. Poor SNK, couldn't even afford an American to properly translate their text into coherent thoughts. But that's a good thing, I think. Engrish is funny. It's like it was written by a 5-year old, and I laugh at 5-year olds.

Last edited by Joe Redifer; 06-16-2007 at 04:46 PM.
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Old 06-18-2007, 12:49 AM   #1270
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Review the Neo-Geo! Since I hate emulators
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Old 06-18-2007, 11:56 AM   #1271
Joe Redifer
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I don't think I've played quite a large enough portion of the Neo Geo's library to review the entire system. There are lots of crappy fighting games and even some good ones. Believe it or not there are many games on the system that are NOT fighting games. Some people will try and tell you it is expensive, but only homeless people can't afford it and its games. In my opinion the system has a library of about 20-25 games actually worth having (out of 200 or so).
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Old 06-18-2007, 09:48 PM   #1272
Joe Redifer
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Super Adventure Island
7/10
Super Nintendo


Nintendo lavished their customers with precious
material like cardboard boxes! Oh, WOW!


Back when the first Wonder Boy game came out in the arcade, both Sega and Hudson had rights to its design. Sega kept on making Wonder Boy games, and Hudson threw the same exact design into their Adventure Island series. At least Sega could step away from the primitive formula of the original Wonder Boy, but not Hudson! Oh no, Hudson would try to milk it for all it was worth as if it were Street Fighter II and they were Capcom. But to everyone's surprise, they actually did make one game in the series that wasn't sheer torture to play. And that was this game, Super Adventure Island. I like Super Nintendo games because of the clever naming. They take the name and add "Super" in front of it. Motherfucking genius!


The SNES had the best graphics as can clearly be seen here.

Graphics: 7/10
Nothing tremendously special here, though the colors seem kind of nice. Also there are a few scenes with tr00 transparancies. There is a mode 7 whale and a few other mode 7 things that will probably not impress you. This is Hudson Soft, after all. You don't expect too many impressive things from them unless it is on the PC Engine.


Master Higgins (yes, that's the character's actual name)
believes in safety first as seen by his helmet and pads.


Sound: 9/10
Hudson figured that the music should be good, so they sought out that one guy who did the music for Beyond Oasis as well as Car Battler Joe. This guy also ended up doing the music for this game, and the result is probably one of the top 5 SNES soundtracks EVAR. Dat's right! This 8-mega game devotes the majority of its space to music and sound, it seems. That guy did a great job and his name should be remembered by people. Does it sound better than Final Fantasy Tactics? Oh hell yes! It also sounds better than Motorstorm, Gears of War and Zelda Twilight Princess.


You must make some pretty crazy leaps in order to avoid
the evil tomahawk weapon. Even Game Over is better!


Gameplay: 7/10
This is, by far, the best game in the Adventure Island series. I even like it more than the original Wonder Boy. You have two weapons, a tomahawk and a boomarang. You want the boomerang. You don't want the tomahawk... ever. One thing about this game that pisses me off is that you can't press start at the title screen. You must wait for the title screen to time out and the lame-o story to begin before the START button is activated. Then the game can finally start. I like how you are sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean for no reason whatsoever and then a mode 7 whale with no animation comes up and gulps you... also for no reason whatsoever. At least the whale's innards have good music. This game is pretty easy. In fact if you don't beat it the first time you play without dying, then you are a horrible human being and I hope you get syphilis, because you sure deserve it! I also hope your mom dies. It would be good if she suffered horribly before her death, though. Serves you right. The game is pretty fun to play through every once in awhile and it should be in every SNERD's collection.


This boss is so easy. There's no way for him to hit
you and he goes down after only a few hits from you.


Wrap up:
This game is better than Final Fantasy 7 and Halo 2. Do you disagree? Then you like crappy games. This game is better than apples but not quite as good as oranges. Oranges kick the shit out of apples.
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Old 06-19-2007, 12:01 AM   #1273
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That game rocked! I remember playing it as a child. the best part was the skateboard!
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Old 06-19-2007, 12:24 AM   #1274
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I just remembered that game when I woke up today, and now when I open my computer I see you reviewing it. To top that, I actually remembered that octopus boss and you and from all ares and boss and even stages toke picture of him! That's just magical Joe!
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Old 06-19-2007, 09:07 AM   #1275
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Wow, somehow this title eluded me in the SNES days. I'll have to look for a copy on ebay and give it a go. After the NES versions I never wouldve guessed the SNES wouldve had any play value.
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