Joe Redifer's Super-Awesome Reviews!!!!

[Northeastmonk]

Do you guys think they could make a Mario 2d game and have it be a classic?
Picture this: 100 levels with original mario levels and bosses! It would be insane. Anyway I might pick this up sometime in the future.

[spider-prime]

why the crap did they use Browser Jr again? HE SUCKS! I want the koopa kids back! they would have at least made the game 20 times better!

[Icarus4578]

Originally Posted by Joe Redifer

I haven't quite deciphered it yet, but it sounds like he's saying "Thanks it so nice uh!" WTF? Speak English, please!

He's saying "That's a so nice!"

You gave it the same rating I was thinking of giving it. Actually, since our views are about 98% the same on NSMB, I don't feel the need to review it anymore. I've got a bunch of other stuff I want to focus on anyway.

Originally Posted by Joe Redifer

One thing that is kind of annoying to me is that I must touch the bottom screen to use my spare item. I can't just press another button like I can on the SNES Super Mario World. The touch screen is far away from the buttons and I must look at the screen to see where to touch. In other words, the touch screen in this game is 100% gimmick.

So true. In SMW all you needed to do to use an item was press select. I expect better from Nintendo than mere gimmickry like 'touch the world you'd like to go to'. There should've been an extra minigame where you got to kick the crap out of whoever thought of such a stupid idea.

[Joe Redifer]

Neo Turf Masters
8/10
Neo Geo Pocket Color


What? No grimacing millioniare on the cover?
That means it's not from EA! Rejoice!

Ah, Neo Turf Masters, one of the best, if not THE best portable golf game around. According to the manual, it takes place in the year 200X when the world has been divided into 3 blocks. The only way to save the world is by winning a round of golf. It may not have fancy 3D graphics or an angry Tiger Woods on the box, but believe it or not a golf game can be good without those things! Based on the smash arcade hit, you can't go wrong with this fun 16-meg (only 117 megs less than the arcade) game.


Choose from many different players.
Young Hero is the best... always.

Graphics: 7/10
These graphics are more than fine for the Neo Geo Pocket Color. In fact they are pretty good if a bit cartoony. The characters are all super-deformed versions of those found in the mega-popular arcade smash version of the game. It seems that ALL Neo Geo Pocket Color games feature super-deformed characters. It's like the hardware can't run without them or something. As you swing, you get kind of a pseudo 3D view of what lies ahead and it serves its purpose. Once the ball has been hit, you get a smoothly scrolling playfield with well designed and colorful courses. Animation is about what you'd expect and isn't anything to complain about.


When you think "golf", the first thing that
always springs to mind is the Grand Canyon!

Sound: 7/10
There isn't much to the sound effects. A *thwack* here and a *swish* there, all in 8-bit glory. You also get a crowd that sounds like your kitchen faucet. But the music is pretty good, also in 8-bit quality. Each course has it's own theme, and I think I like Japan's the best, though Germany's is pretty good, too. The USA's theme is good but it is definitely the lesser of the three. The music shuts off after you hit da ball for some reason. I plan on writing a letter to my congressman about this as there is simply no reason for it!


You're gonna have to hit the ball REALLY hard
to clear that waterfall way back there. But then
again this is the year 200X and that means
anything is possible. ANYTHING.

Gameplay: 8/10
This game of golf is strangely addicting. It is extremely easy to play and it's always fun to try and outdo yourself since your best stats are saved to the cartridge forever and ever. There are your typical stroke, versus, and championship modes and all of that related horseshit. The only thing that really sucks is that the Neo Geo Pocket Color is not backlit and as a result becomes extremely difficult to play. But at the same time it is very easy to play due to the simple controls. It never gets frustrating but remains challenging. A great time waster and a must in any Neo Geo or Neo Geo Pocket Color owner's collection. A great way to pass the time at work instead of working!


The overhead view. Wheeeee!!!

Wrap up:
No Nike logos, no scowling caublasian man, no EA Sports Trax, no dumbass EA announcers. Can you survive without all that?

[EggplantWizard]

Hey Joe, you know what I've noticed about NSMB? If you play with Luigi (hold Left, Right, and A when selecting a save file from the menu) the controls are VASTLY better. Luigi's controls are a lot tighter with way less slide.

[Joe Redifer]

I just tried it and it is noticeably better, but it still sucks. I don't think Mario games were meant to control well. It's always been kind of a lame series with only two great games (Super Mario World and 64). Sonic is better than Mario and even I think Sonic could be improved.

Actually I take that back, Super Mario 2 was awesome, the US version anyway. But that wasn't even a true Mario game so they accidentally messed up and made it good... NOT ON PURPOSE!

[Risky]

That's weird that Luigi has tighter controls because he is usually the one that's all over the place

[Icarus4578]

Originally Posted by Joe Redifer

Wrap up:
No Nike logos, no scowling caublasian man, no EA Sports Trax, no dumbass EA announcers. Can you survive without all that?

There goes all the enjoyment.

[Joe Redifer]

Galactic Pinball
8/10
Virtual Boy


The Virtual Boy logo is more prominent than the game title,
similar to books where the author's name is huge and
bold and the actual title is nowhere to be found.

Many people say this is one of the best games for the immensely popular Virtual Boy. With 8-mega power backing it up, it could very well be. I don't know if I'd call it "pinball" since for some odd reason you seem to be playing with an air hockey puck instead of an actual ball. Maybe they have yet to invent things that are round in Japan, I dunno. But I don't really think it affects the game so let's get to the review, damn it!

Graphics: 7/10
The 3D effect of the title screen is really cool. The 3D effect of the 4 game boards, not so much. But it isn't bad. The boards look fine and they have minor animations here and there. Sometimes words or other little things will come spinning in and they have a good 3D effect. When you start getting some crazy points the screen will suddenly get REALLY bright and your eyes will bleed, but that's part of the fun. There only seem to be two colors, red and black. The game could have used some blue and green as well to give the player the full spectrum of color. What's next, a game that only displays 4 shades of spinach green? Whoever decided to only include red in this game deserves to be murdered on the highway. Everyone loves murder!


Oh my God hell yeah! You can choose from four spacely
boards OR view the top scores for any individual board!!!

Sound: 8/10
Good music, good stereo effects even without headphones, and voice! Yes, there are actually a few spoken phrases in this game. Unlike The Adventures of Bayou Billy which this game does not appear to be based on, you can actually understand most of the voices! Kenji Yamamoto's music won't piss you off even if you are playing for a long time and the pinpuck sounds are fairly authentic. I had to knock off a point because the voice they used was not Optimus Prime's voice.


Graphics don't get much better than this. Except when they do.

Gameplay: 8/10
It's pinball, what more do you want? It plays like pinball and it does it well. Mario isn't in here but Samus from Metroid is if you do the right stuff on a certain board that may be pictured below. I know it is hard to imagine a Nintendo game without Mario in it, but it is true! Maybe this was another reason why the game's creator was murdered... no Mario. Anyway you can choose from 4, count 'em one, two, three, four different boards! That's 8-mega power for ya. 8 god damn megs! Can you believe it? They even have a board called "Alien". I hate aliens. They're so different, and I hate things that are different from me. Now you may be thinking of a pinball board where you thwack Mexicans importing themselves from Mexico without permission, but it's not that kind of alien. These are space aliens, and they are still illegal! And different. I don't like different. The game also saves your high scores which a lot of Virtual Boy fans make a big deal about, as if it is some kind of amazing technical feat or something. I am glad it saves your scores as it gives the game much replayability. My copy of the game was used, and of course I have defeated all of the previous high scores already.


Red LED's were all the rage back in 1995. So were the Backstreet Boys.

Wrap Up:
Not as good as Devil's Crush on the NEC TurboGrafx-16, but what is? It is still a great pinball game and every system needs a great pinball game. This is better than Osama or whatever that Gamecube game that uses a microphone is called. Too bad they killed the creator of this game.

[Vicviper]

I think I'm dreaming because I can't believe you own a VB now. I wonder if there are any 2 player games that we can hook up our VBs together and play against each other.

The VB did have some good games besides galactic pinball such as Warioland, Panic Bomber, Golf, Nester's Funky Bowling and V-Tetris. That means almost 50% of the US VB game library is good. Now you tell me where you can find those kind of numbers on another system? Not PS2 or even the NES or Genesis! 50% damn!!!

[Icarus4578]

As I recall, Joe was playing a VB in that DVD right before he ran over your house and attacked you in order to play your Sega UMD, which was cool.

I also have a VB. I've got some bomberman game, tennis, and something else. Haven't touched it in years.

[Vicviper]

That was my VB he was playing with.............or pretending to play with. I haven't touched mine in years either. I should play again now that my eyes have had plenty of time to correct themselves from the last time I played.

[Joe Redifer]

Sega UMD? AWESOME!

[Icarus4578]

You've tried the rest. Now try the BEST! Sega UMD!!!

[Joe Redifer]

I'll stick with the Sega VMU. It's better.