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Old 11-27-2004, 08:00 PM   #121
Joe Redifer
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And so Panzer Dragoon Orta was met with silence.

Well I've got more reviews a-comin' up, and they won't be ignored like Orta! Everyone will be REQUIRED to reply with whimsical comments!
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Old 11-27-2004, 08:17 PM   #122
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Redifer
And so Panzer Dragoon Orta was met with silence.

Well I've got more reviews a-comin' up, and they won't be ignored like Orta! Everyone will be REQUIRED to reply with whimsical comments!
I loved Orta. Besides halo 1 and 2 this was the only Xbox game that played over and over again untill i experienced everything.
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Old 11-27-2004, 11:27 PM   #123
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Feel the Magic XY XX
8/10
Nintendo DS


You know you'd do her.

It's the same exact romantic story you hear all the time. Boy sees girl. Boy develops instant crush on girl. Boy must win over the girl's affections. Boy touches angry bull stampede. Boy defeats bees. Boy climbs through snake. Boy gets girl. It's your typical love story that you read about in romance novels and Sega made it into a really cool light gun game to the Nintendo DS system! OK it's not really a light gun game, but in many ways it acts like one, except that you use a stylus instead of a goofy-looking gray Nintendo gun. Sega's Light Phaser was much cooler than Nintendo's Zapper. But then again you'd expect that, because it's Sega. Duh! But rarely in this game do you use anything EXCEPT the touch screen to control the game. It's basically a bunch of minigames in one and is, by far, the best launch game available for the DS. I also think it's the ONLY original launch game, being as everyone's already played Super Mario 64, John Madden, etc etc. Yay Sega!

Story: 5/10
Who cares?


The object of your affection has the weirdest fetish.
She likes it when you touch the scorpions but hates it if you accidentally touch her.


Graphics: 7/10
The graphics are pretty good in a simple way. There is no facial detail in the game, and the 3D graphics are kind of Saturn-y, if even that. But what is there definitely works well. There is nothing in the game that will amaze your eyeballs, and nothing that will disappoint them, either. I do kind of like the visual style, and I feel that it definitely works for this type of game. Unfortunately there isn't any slow down or flicker to whine about. Damn.


You must blow on the touch screen in order to
get the boat to your bitch and rescue her snatch!


Sound: 8/10
I have to admit that the DS has some pretty good sound capabilities, definitely better than what was typically heard from the N64. Not much in the way of sound effects here except the pansie-ass screams and crys of the dude you are in charge of. He is a true sissy, just like you. The music is kooky-crazy Japanese nuttiness of very high quality, and it works for this bizarre game. The stereo effect works amazingly well coming from the DS speakers. There is quite a bit of voice in the game as well, all pronounced with heavy Japanese accents to add to the nutiness. For instance during the stage called Nightmare 3, the voice will say "Night-Mare tree!" Everyone in the US should change the way they speak so that they sound like this game.


Between rounds 3 and 4 is BREAK TIME!
Touch the picture!


Gameplay: 8/10
The entire game is controlled via the touchscreen. You will never have to press any other buttons except when you are zooming back and forth in the ?ber-pointless "Mania" mode. Actions include rubbing goldfish that are stuck in some moron's stomach up and out of his throat, typing numbers on a keypad to open moron's parachutes, running over innocent and helpless human beings jogging down the road and then slinging those human beings into an enemy vehicle, holding your bitch's hand and "defeating" bees that fly around, touching stampeding bulls to calm them down (works in real life, too. Try it!), and much, much more. You even get to yell at your bitch to get her attention. The problem is you have to yell over a loud band. I recommend that you play this scene at someplace very crowded. People will think you are retarded for yelling at your DS, but that's OK... people think you are retarded anyway, trust me. There's always something creative to do and it's always kooky-crazy. Once you finish a stage in story mode, it opens up for play in Memories mode. There are 18 "scenes" and multiple stages per scene, except for the "love" scenes where you rub your girl (yeah) or the "boss" scenes where you fight the evil fat boss (this game teaches you that ALL fat people are evil, no exceptions). When you play the scenes in "memories" mode, you get up to 10 stages per scene, (5 stages from normal Story mode, 5 stages from hard mode). It's also really fun because any idiot who knows how to hold a stylus can play. In other words, you can let your family play this!!! They will laugh at all of the complete Japanese wackiness this game offers. And your mom will really like the "love" scenes where you rub your girlfriend! She'll ask your friends to do it to her in real life! Woo hoo!


Touch all of the bulls to calm them down!
Just like in real life!


Wrap up
Leave it to Sega to once again have the best software available for any given system. A must own if you have a DS!
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Old 11-28-2004, 01:19 AM   #124
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I couldn't bring myself to talk about Orta. It wasn't my idea of a good shooter.

Have you heard Joe? They're releasing a new Super MonkeyBall on the Xbox/PS2 which contains all the stages from the first two on GC plus adds even more.

As for the Feel The Magic review, it sounds good. But how come your opening material is practically the same as EGM's preview of it? You did that intentionally, didn't you? (Both intros sound like that Leslie Nielson line in the movie Airplane!, "It's the same old story: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girl dies in tragic blimp accident.")
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Old 11-28-2004, 04:28 AM   #125
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I've never seen Airplane, but I did like EGM's write up on it, even though I wrote mine before I read the EGM article (I just read it last night, I wrote this a few days ago. I had to remove my "scorpion" comment and replace it with the "snake" comment). I thought you didn't "lower yourself" enough to read EGM? I don't, however, think that EGM went back through old issues of Gamefan just so the editor could write something similar for this month's editorial.

And of course I know about Super Monkeyball Deluxe. That's ancient news.
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Old 11-28-2004, 04:30 AM   #126
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The Legendary Axe
7/10
TurboGrafx-16


If only the spider in the game looked this cool...

The Legendary Axe was one of the US launch games for the ill-fated NEC TurboGrafx-16 system. Most magazines drooled over this game, saying that it was better than anything available in the Genesis' upcoming lineup (the Turbo beat the Genesis to market by a few weeks). The magazines couldn't be more wrong. This is a great game, but it really does not deserve all of the early praise that it got. It never deserved it.


Here Gogan takes a whack at the in-game spider!

Graphics: 6/10
The graphics here are a step above the 8-bit NES graphics, but nowhere even close to Altered Beast, the first Genesis game. There was only one background layer, there was very little animation in the sprites, the screen shimmered as it scrolled (just like the NES), and there really wasn't much to tell you that this was a "next generation" game of any kind. I rented the TurboGrafx-16, this game and a few others after I had owned the Genesis for a month or so. I recall laughing at the animation of Gogan climbing up the rope. 2 whole frames, and one frame is just a mirror of the other. I recall thinking "Wow, this is like the NES with a bit more color and perhaps a bit less flicker!". This game certainly does not push the Turbografx-16 in any way.


The music that plays as you fight these bears is some
of the worst music ever in all of videogamedom!
And that's why the bears are so angry!


Sound: 5/10
The first time I heard this game, I thought I was listening to the NES. That's right... this game sounds almost exactly like the NES sound chip. Except I noticed a few more simultaneous sound channels and even a wee bit of stereo. But to the casual observer, there will be next to no difference in the sound between this game and just about any 8-bit NES game. There are some stages, like Zone 3A, that actually have good music, and then there are some really horrible boss tunes as well. The sound quality in general is pretty piss-poor.


The is the EXACT SAME boulder that chased Indiana Jones
and also chased you in Panzer Dragoon II Zwei.
It gets around.


Gameplay: 7/10
At least this game is fun. It's your basic platformer and you get to power up your axe, time jumps, and hack enemies through many levels, including a maze-like level in the Pits of Madness. It can be kind of frustrating as you tend to bounce off of enemies to your doom. You can get extra continues, but that always means lots of backtracking and the like. The controls are very good and Gogan moves at a fair speed (not too fast, not too slow). It can get a bit addictive, but it really isn't anything you haven't played before, and it certainly doesn't smash the opening titles in the Genesis lineup like it was supposed to. Ghouls 'N Ghosts walks all over this. But if you can find this game cheap, it is worth picking up, as it is a good addition to every Turbo collection.


This screen right here is as good as the graphics and music get!

Wrap Up:
A good occasional diversion for your Turbografx-16 or your TurboExpress.
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Old 11-28-2004, 04:36 AM   #127
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Redifer
And so Panzer Dragoon Orta was met with silence.

Well I've got more reviews a-comin' up, and they won't be ignored like Orta! Everyone will be REQUIRED to reply with whimsical comments!
I loved your Orta review and all your PD reviews! Wunderbar! Orta is a kick arse game...pure Sega goodness!
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Old 11-28-2004, 04:46 AM   #128
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Well my subscription hasn't run out yet, so I make with what's given. I only just heard about the SMB update today, so I was just sharing the news. As far as "Shoe" is concerned, yes, it does seem an outrageous accusation but I do believe that there's something eerie about the situation, the way he negleted editorial content beforehand, then comes out with strikingly similar material to Dave. But just as well, I'm disappointed in Dave's content as of recent years. In Issue 31 (I believe) of Gamer's Republic, they interviewed Jonathan Davis (Korn). Why a gaming magazine would do such a thing, I don't know. It makes me wish that Next Generation didn't go out when it did because they actually interviewed people relevant to the game industry.

Those LA screenshots really don't do the game any justice at all. You said that it looks pretty bad but it's one of the best-looking TG16 launch titles and it does a decent job overall. The animation may not be all that special, but how many MEGS are being used? Maybe 4, and on a system with weaker graphical abilities than the Genesis. It's amazing that Capcom was able to make Street Fighter II look and sound as good as it did on a spruced-up 8-bit console like the technically humble TG16. Also, I like the soundtrack a lot. Stage 2 (the caverns) and a few other songs are just begging to be reworked on a new console, but that's extremely doubtful.
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Old 11-28-2004, 06:30 AM   #129
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Legendary Axe may have been one of the best looking TG-16 launch titles, but that's not really saying much. What else was it up against? Keith Courage in Alpha Zones? SideArms? I rated it compared to other software on the system, and Legendary Axe's graphics are pretty wimpy even by Turbo standards. They deserve a 6. It is a 2 meg game. Stage 2's music was decent but stage 3A's music was even better. The music is more of a 5.5, but I don't grade on a curve.
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Old 11-28-2004, 05:45 PM   #130
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Man, just two!? What other 2-MEG game looks that good? Anyway, Keith Courage does look good, especially in the Alpha Zones, but I wish that there were more enemies. They just began repeating bosses and stuff later on. But oh well.
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Old 11-28-2004, 07:59 PM   #131
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Legendary Axe II
8/10
TurboGrafx-16


Ignore the box, the axe is the worst weapon in the game.

All 6 dozen owners of the TurboGrafx-16 videogame system demanded a sequel to the hit game "The Legendary Axe". NEC USA was under pressure to deliver. But Japan didn't want to do a Legendary Axe II. So instead NEC took a game that was programmed by the same peeps that involved a swinging weapon of some kind, renamed it "Legendary Axe II" and unleashed it on the USA. People were pissed off because it had nothing to do with the original Legendary Axe in any way. People just couldn't handle it. But as we've learned by now, most people are morons. True, NEC should NOT have called this game "Legendary Axe II", but they did. And it is still an awesome game. Since it shares a name with The Legendary Axe, comparisons are inevitable. And this game is better than its "predecessor" in just about every way.

Graphics: 7/10
The graphics are much sharper this time around, however they are quite a bit darker on average. The animation is much better, the enemies bigger and better designed, and the backgrounds slightly more interesting (and definitely more evil). Everything moves at lightning speed in this game. It's a stark contrast to the "original" game where everything moved at a snail's pace. Lots of flashy effects are here when things blow up and when you swing your sword. I just wish the graphics could have been a bit brighter.


Some of the bosses are huge!
Slice his crotch to take him down!


Sound: 8/10
For the Turbo, this game had some mighty good sound. The music this time around is MUCH better and far more engaging. It can be energetic or suspenseful, or just downright creepy. I love the sound the giant flies make when you slice them. It doesn't sound like a real fly getting sliced (and trust me, I sliced a bunch of real flies to compare this game's sound to), but it does sound cool. When you get hit it kind of sounds like a bee buzzing, adding to the unintended hilarity. But the music, for the most part, is king. Great stereo effects in the music round out the sound package.


After defeating each boss, our hero
strikes a pose to prove his manliness!


Gameplay: 8/10
Since this game moves much faster than the first one, it is far easier to get into and it requires more from your skills. There are three different weapons you can choose from as well as a bomb you can throw with the RUN button. The premise of the game is that the King dies, and you and your brother must battle over the throne. Obviously one of you is evil and the other is good. Can you guess which one is evil? Tell me your answer AFTER you see the ending. The controls are pretty much spot on, except for a slight delay in jumping caused by the animation. Can you believe that both this game and the first one were the same size (2 megabits)? Boss fights often require strategy and sometimes they are quite huge. It kind of sucks when you die because you have to work at powering yourself all the way back up again which can take a fair amount of time. The dude you control is definitely on drugs. When he defeats a boss, he offers a manly pose and then attempts to exit the stage. These attempts are different for each stage. In Stage 1 he gets it right, but as the stages increase he'll try to exit the wrong way or he'll even hop away like a monkey! His drug usage obviously increases as the stages go on. Overall I'd say this game is a great, fast romp through a hack and slash world that's worth taking!


Up, up, and up you go in stage 4.
The music in this level is superb.


Wrap up:
If you liked Rastan, then this game is Rastan on speed and steroids! For those of you who don't know what Rastan is, I'll try to review both the Sega Master System version and the arcade version in the future. If there are hyperlinks in this paragraph, then I've reviewed them and you can click on them to read the reviews.

Last edited by Joe Redifer; 12-07-2004 at 09:21 PM.
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Old 11-28-2004, 11:29 PM   #132
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I was wondering how you were going to incorporate a Christmas theme in your avatar. I like it and the ghastly skull likes it. I must buy him a present.
Oh yeah great reviews, keep em coming. Let the hilarity ensue.
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Old 11-29-2004, 01:37 AM   #133
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Redifer
Feel the Magic XY XX
8/10
Nintendo DS


You know you'd do her.

But then again you'd expect that, because it's Sega.
sorry to burst your bubble, but sega are like titus now.
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Old 11-29-2004, 01:41 AM   #134
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A skull and a Vic Viper donning Santa hats. I'm debating putting one on Bruce Campbell.

LAII has way better music than the first? This I've gotta hear.
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Old 11-29-2004, 02:44 AM   #135
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Try to transform Bruce into Santa Claus if you can. That would be kick ass...............Santa with a BOOM stick.

If SEGA= Titus than Mr Fantastic= Pee Wee Herman

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