View Single Post
Old 10-30-2005, 11:16 PM   #845
Joe Redifer
Joe Redifer's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,149
The Bible Game

I can't wait for The Quran Game!

Smite all the heathens, it's The Bible Game! I was hoping that this would be an extremely violent and bloody game with lots of needless death and tons of suffering due to an angry God, but this game is nothing like the Bible! I was hoping for a hack and slash game where I could play as Jesus. Or maybe a "God mode" where I could punish humanity for not worshipping me the way I want them to and then disappear and stop talking to people out loud in modern times, but nope. Instead we get a game show. Yes, the Bible has been transformed into a game show.

Where is the button for "Who gives a phuck?"

Graphics: 4/10
The graphics are just plain silly. They try to put humor into stuff like God's wraths by using super deformed characters who are always smiling even when thy are getting punished by God for choosing the wrong answer to a trivia question. The game is obviously geared towards kids, unlike the actual Bible with it's adult themes and extreme bloody violence.

Ruth gets the Wrath of God in the studio with tons of frogs for not
choosing the right answer. Notice that she isn't a white Republican.

Sound: 5/10
Not much in the way of sound here except for tons of voice by the lame game show host (who needs to be kicked in the nuts) and some Christian Rock music which plays during the minigames. The music sounds exactly like the typical teenage whiny music that is popular these days, but with Godly lrics instead. There's nothing like listening to "Blessed be the day... Blessed be the night" with wailing guitars while you are choosing which animals get to go aboard Noah's Ark and which do not. Every once in awhile the game show host will threaten you with the wrath of God and even mentions the "plague of the day". Seriously!

Here is your host, a typical Christian male who loves him some
Jesus. He's hip and cool, too. And he needs to die. Now.

Gameplay: 3/10
It's a game show game. It's not as good as Twisted for the 3DO which itself sucked ass. The game is called "Do Unto Others" and although that sounds really violent, it unfortunately doesn't live up. There is often a lot of waiting while other players take their turn and try to win God's favor, even when you are playing in single player mode. You choose a spot on the board and answer Bible trivia or play one of many minigames. One minigame is throwing rocks at Philistines. God hates Philistines. Be assured that they are all in Hell right now for all eternity. Serves 'em right, those god damn Philistines. There are several other minigames, most of which let all four players play at once. There are chance games where if you choose wrongly, God punishes you with his wrath by swarming you with locusts or frogs right in the studio, and you lose ALL of your accumulated points! God hates losers. In the end, the person with the most points wins the game and has secured a place in heaven. But you can always try again, hoping that maybe next time God will love you.

In this minigame you are being chased by four lions and
you must avoid getting mauled. Whoever gets mauled the
least amount of times gets the most points!

Wrap up:
If you don't buy this game, you do not love God the Almighty and will surely burn in hell. As for me, I think I'd prefer hell rather than play this retarded game again.

Last edited by Joe Redifer; 10-30-2005 at 11:28 PM.
Joe Redifer is offline   Reply With Quote