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Old 11-08-2004, 05:47 AM   #33
Joe Redifer
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,144
Crash Bandicoot

Crash Bandicoot

Look at the expression on this little wretch's face. He looks
like he's extremely constipated and someone is paying him to smile.
Or maybe both happy and angry at the same time, if that's possible.
If you see this box in your collection, burn it!

Story: 5/10
Why do I even review the story? Who cares? It only matters in games that have actual character development. This game has none. So in subsequent reviews, there will not be a "story" category unless the specific game calls for it. Suffice it to say, the story in Crash Bandicoot sucks just as much as the game itself! The character of Crash is simply a stupid concept. They were trying to capitalize on Sonic the Hedgehog so they gave Crash tons and tons of 'tude. All great videogame characters have 'tude, right? Not Mario. Crash looks awkward and unappealing as well. What a super-lame character. I can't believe he is still starring in (discount) games to this day! He keeps getting passed from developer to developer, so that should tell you how crappy this character is.

Graphics: 7/10
I'm being pretty generous with the graphics score here, but that's taking into account the time it was released and the system it was released on. When I first got the game, I thought it looked pretty good. Lots of colorful polygons (for the day) and they moved smoothly either back or forth. The graphics seemed better than they really were since there wasn't much in the way of actual 3D movement, and all of the power could be dedicated to what is actually being shown on the screen at the time. Like all Playstation 3D games, Crash is extremely grainy and dark. Sony must have had a mandate to all developers saying "Thou shalt use thy X-Treme grain filter on thy 3D games as well as make them dark, so that Joe Redifer may henceforth project vast sums of vomit any time he looks at one of our games". I can think of no other reason that PS1 games were so grainy. Saturn 3D games weren't grainy... they just looked bad in their own special way.

Ahhh, the map screen. This is where you
choose to take your horrible journey next.

Sound: 4/10
The music is far from decent. It's not horrible, it just barely exists. It kind of reminds me of the music from Kid Chameleon for the Sega Genesis in terms of both composition and sound quality, only not quite that good. Good music would have made this game much more enjoyable. The sounds are average fare. The only sound you will remember is the sound of smashing boxes, because that's all you do in the entire game!

Crash has tons of 'tude. Who can like a game character that
doesn't have 'tude? 'Tude rules. It is essential. Behind
Crash are boxes he can smash, and that is his sole reason
for existence. It sucks to be Crash, but it sucks
even more to be the player!

Gameplay: 2/10
Believe it or not, there is some actual gameplay in this game! Here's what you do: Move around, smash boxes, and get to the goal. THAT'S IT! That's all you do! Sometimes the developers with put a hole in the ground and you will have to (get this) jump over it! That most certainly adds to the gameplay. But the developers went all out on this game. Some levels have you in a typical side-scrolling environment, only with piss-poor dark polygons. Smash the boxes and get to the goal. WOW!!!! Playing this game is the equivalent to plucking all of the fibers out of your carpet one by one until you get 100%. Ug!

Run forward Crash, run! Jump if you need to! Go!
Personally, I'd rather have a rusty nail in my eyeball.

Wrap up:
What a horrible, horrible game! Sony should be ashamed.

Last edited by Joe Redifer; 11-24-2004 at 04:50 PM.
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