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Old 07-15-2009, 06:33 PM   #1516
Joe Redifer
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,149
Couldn't find the composite cable, so I just took pictures off of my TV screen with my digital camera. Now on with the review:

Punch Out!!
Nintendo Wii

Why is this just called "Punch-Out!!"? Why not
"Punch-Out 3" or similar? Kind of like the new Star
Trek movie is just "Star Trek". WTF? What is up
with this super-lame trend? Retarded.

As some of you know, I reviewed Mike Tyson's Punch-Out a while back and I was less than thrilled. You are probably asking why I even bought this game in the first place if I "hated" the NES version so much. Well, because I am a graphics whore and good graffix always makes for better games. This game looked to have nice, smooth graphics and I loved the motion control boxing game on Wii Sports or whatever it was called and thought this would kick butt. Plus, I paid less for this game brand new than any of you did and I just had to buy it in order to feel financially superior to all of you. So there.

Once you find their weak spots, most opponents just let you hammer away at them for a while.

Story: N/A
Story? There isn't any! You are just some asshole trying to beat up other people for NO REASON! They don't ask to fight you, you demand to fight them! They are just peace-loving people who want to be left alone. You are the ultimate bully and the instigator of all fights. Your goal is to beat everyone up except for your only friend... a fat black man who always sounds like he is reading a cue card due to the awkward pauses in his speech.

Each fighter has a set of stills that present themselves before you fight.
Many LOLs will be had at the humorous situations therein.

Graphics: 8/10
This game looks pretty damn good... for the Wii. In other words you won't want to carve your eyeballs out with a fork or anything and instead you will be pleasantly surprised. The animation is pretty smooth. In fact, the graphics are what make the game much more playable than the NES version in my opinion. You can see much more movement and quickly deduce how you need to react to the upcoming punch/special attack/gay pose/whatever. There is a lot of artistic style in the fighters as well. Lots o' personality in each. Love it!

You are the only fighter who is not allowed to wear your
street clothes into the ring. Is this wrestling or boxing?

Sound: 8/10
The sound and music in this game is great for the most part. Lots of nice tunes for each fighter and there are some crazy mad OC ReMixes of the original Michael Tyson Punch-Out music when certain events occur, like you make the other fighter fall down or something. Even those remixes are different for each fighter. A sound test would be very welcome in this game, but games these days hate doing that and would rather sell you a separate soundtrack... like it would ever come to the US anyway. The fat black man sounds very stilted and he is an asshole. I wish I could fight him. If I could, the game would get an 11 for sure. What a cock munch! But wait... YOU CAN fight him, but only in a demo in which you must exchange Nintendo Nerd Points for or something. The demo is not free to anyone simply interested in the game who has not already bought a lot of Nintendo products. I wish I could fight Nintendo themselves in this game.

Most later fighters block nearly everything. The later matches would be easier if
you reversed the left and right directions on your controller. You instinctively think you
need to duck to the right when you actually need to duck to the left, etc.

Gameplay: 7/10
Definitely much improved over the NES version, though still basically the same. How can it be the same but different? I dunno. I went back and tried the NES version again and it seemed very stiff in comparison to this. While I could appreciate it a bit more, this version just seems so much better. I like having to figure out how to defeat each fighter and what works and what doesn't. It's a great feeling once you figure that out. Again, the NES version works on the same principles, but it just throws in extra boring and stiffness. I haven't tried the motion controls because they seemed needlessly complex, requiring you to press directions while simultaneously throwing the physical punch. How gay is that? If I want to punch up, I should just be able to punch up... or down or whatever. Nintendo failed hard here. So basically the game would be just fine on the Gamecube and the Wii is not needed, fuckin' thing. This game is tough but Mike Tyson isn't here because he is in jail for raping people or something. I can't remember. All I know is that he loves raping things and Nintendo didn't agree. Though they should, they've been raping game controller design since the N64 days. This is an arcade-style game that does not have a movie-like narrative. No military-style combat, either. This will likely frighten most of you away from the game as you cannot be satiated without those things. There is plenty o' game play here and you will spend lots of time trying to get to the top. If you REALLY need to be a space marine or have an involving, linear storyline or an online capture the flag game in order to appreciate this title, then you suck at gaming.

Nigga stole my bike!

Wrap up:
A great game, but it only helps me appreciate the original a teeny tiny bit more. Mario isn't the referee here, and frankly I am quite surprised due to Nintendo's tendency to whore Mario out as much as they possibly can. This is a big plus for me as I have had enough Mario to last a lifetime and I am sick of the li'l fucker. Recommended!

You know what I'd like to see? This same game, but every opponent is a celebrity. I'd love to fight Oprah, Michael Bay, Diane Keaton, Helena Bonham Carter, Vince Vaughn and Matthew McConaghey to name a few. Oh what joy it would be to pound them in the face! Maybe Rush Limbaugh, too! What an ass!
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