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Old 02-15-2007, 12:37 AM   #1241
Joe Redifer
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,149
Wii Play
5/10
Nintendo Wii


The game comes in an actual DVD
case you can put on your shelf with
your other games, unlike Wii Sports.


Here I am with a review of the most eagerly awaited game of the decade, Wii Play! This is also my first review for the Wii system. This really isn't a game on it's own, but actually just a bit of software that happens to come with a Wii Remote. I wanted a second Wii Remote and the Wii Play version is just $10 more, so I figured "Why the hell not, god damn it?!" Plus, stand-alone Wii Remotes sell out fast, but not Wii Play! It is easy to get and each store has thousands upon thousands of copies.


"Shooting Range" is not as cool as Sega's "Gangster Town" or "Missile Defense 3D".

Graphics: 3/10
The graphics pretty much suck ass. There are a lot of Miis in the game, and Miis look like dogshit. I can't get my Mii to even remotely resemble what I might look like since the options for hairstyles and facial features are so limited. But Nintendo thrives on being limited. At least the graphics are 16:9 and 480p, but like all Wii games in 480p, it's jaggy-city. For some reason even the Gamecube had less jaggies. What's up with that?

Sound: 2/10
I don't think there is much sound in this game. Certainly nothing noteworthy. There might be some title screen music and some victory music and some such bullshit. You'll hate it.


This is "Laser Hockey" or "Wii Pong". It is pretty cool. Pong rules!

Gameplay: 5/10
The game presents itself as an instruction manual for the Wii Remote. There are 9 little games you can play, some of them are actually worthwhile. Let's take a look at each and every god damn one of them!

-SHOOTING RANGE:
This wannabe light gun game is OK. Instead of shooting at living creatures, you shoot at things like balloons and cans. Nintendo hates it when anything dies, so shooting living things is a definite no-no. Fucking pansies. In order to appease Duck Hunt fans, a duck will fly by every once in awhile. But animal rights activists will be happy because they are super tough to hit. I have a feeling that everyone who works at Nintendo is a woman or an effeminate male. A REAL man would be shooting things that are cool to shoot at, like people. Also the Wii Remote is super-sensitive and that makes it tougher than playing with a real light gun. Michael J. Fox would have a bitch of a time with this game. Unlike a real light gun, you are forced to use an onscreen cursor.

-FIND MII:
This is possibly the lamest event that I have ever participated in. All you do is find the two Miis that match, the Mii you are using, or the Mii(s) that don't have doubles. That's it. You have a time limit. Anyone who likes this game also likes a hot spiky vibrator spinning up their ass.

-TABLE TENNIS:
Fucking gay. Just look at the limp-wristed way the paddles are held. Jesus Motherfucking Christ. The goal here is just to see how many times you can hit the ball. You can't win. All you do is move the paddle left and right. That's it. Burning diarrhea is more fun.

-POSE MII:
Here bubbles are falling. Yes, bubbles! Each bubble has a silhouette of a Mii in a certain pose. You must take your insipid little Mii and make it match the pose and place it over the bubble to keep it from falling. If a bubble falls off of the screen, you die. God damn retarded, I say. This is further proof that no real men work at Nintendo.

-LASER HOCKEY:
This is probably one of the best games on here. But it really should be called "WiiPong" because that's what it is. But I imagine Nintendo simply couldn't afford to license the name "Pong". Who could? Anyway it plays just like Pong except you can twist the remote to angle your thingy and whatnot. It's really cool with two players. The graphics try to have a "Geometry Wars Advanced" (Xbox360) look to them with neon glow and whatnot. They even tried to have a techno soundtrack like Geometry Wars. Obviously they failed.

-BILLIARDS:
This isn't too bad, and in fact it's kind of fun. I don't really understand the game of pool/billiards in real life and never really cared for it. You are required to hit the "target ball" first on every shot for some fucked up communist reason. You use the remote kind of like a cue stick, but it isn't very responsive. I feel like I have to move the remote from my back wall all the way across the room to my TV just to thrust it forward. Not as good as Side Pocket.

-FISHING:
More fun than real fishing, but still extraordinarily gay, just like your dad and his brother. At least you don't have to sit on your ass for hours on end doing absolutely nothing waiting to get a nibble. In real life, fishing is the only "sport" that can make golf look like an action-packed thrill-a-minute adventure ride. You dip your hook in the water (without any bait) and the nanosecond you get a bite, the thrust upwards and the fish is yours. If you catch a small fish points are deducted and the game shuts off without saving.

-CHARGE!:
In this game you ride a knitted cow in an effort to rid the world of scarecrows while occasionally jumping over hurdles that are out to ruin your world. I do not like the "rotate forward" method of applying acceleration. It feels so unnatural. But I guess the bitches at Nintendo couldn't think of anything better. I could have. You tilt the remote left and right to turn and hop up to hop up. Unfortunately the remote has zero resistance and no center axis so steering also feels unnatural and if you want to go straight you must hold the damn thing perfectly level. Hard to do when it doesn't recenter itself like a real steering wheel or, I dunno, an analog or even a d-pad. That's right, traditional controls destroy the Wii Remote when it comes to driving.

-TANKS!
This is also one of the best games on here, and the only one to use the nunchuck (why the living fuck do they call it a "nunchuck"? Anybody know? It should be called the "Cock" because that's how you grab it). You can also play it with the Wii Remote by itself if you are a crappy human being. Anyway, drive around with the ANALog thumbstick and point the remote to aim your turret. You can shoot and drop mines. It kicks ass with two or more players. It's even really fun playing by yourself with your Wii (LOLOLOL haven't heard that one before I bet LOLOLOLOLOL!!!) According to the manual, only white people are allowed to play.


You can achieve medals. That is the only incentive to keep playing in one player mode.

Wrap Up:
This game costs $10. Is it worth it? Yeah, I don't see why not, especially if your family ever plays with you and your Wii. Also, the box, manual and all included literature is in many different languages like games in the UK. It seems Nintendo is trying to be the first in the US to do this. This sucks ass, and there is no need for it!
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