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Old 11-23-2011, 05:03 AM   #1657
Joe Redifer
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,147
Super Mario 3D Land
7.5/10
Nintendo 3DS




Story: 0/10
Bowser kidnaps the princess again. Can't you come up with something a bit more original than this shit, Nintendo? Can't you at least pretend like you're trying? Sure, your fans will buy your games no matter what you do because they don't know any better, but throw us a bone here, will you? Bowser is not evil and not even menacing. He's incompetent at best. Put in a new enemy like Dick Cheney or George W. Bush. And don't make them kidnap the princess (who isn't even worth saving). Make is so only Mario can save us from the scary terrorists and welfare reform. Oh, and make Mario black.


Scenes like this are the ones that rely on 3D. But even if you're playing in 2D, you can rotate the camera around
to see where the blocks really are. So even if you only have one working eyeball, don't be afraid to play this game.


Graphics: 7/10
The graphics are nothing special. They're just in 3D. Contrary to what you may have heard or read, playing in 3D is NOT NECESSARY at any point in this game. Can it be helpful? Somewhat, I suppose, but never needed. It looks like you would expect a Mario game would look. Nothing the PSP couldn't do 7 years ago.


This is one of the few stages that actually looks pretty good, but it's also the hardest stage in the game... at least it seemed to be for me.
I never really understood auto-scrolling in platform games. Mario dies if he goes off camera? What the hell?


Sound: 4/10
Same old shit here. Does famous children's music composer Koji Kondo have cancer or something? Because he keeps recycling the same crap we've been listening to since the later half of the 1900's. He put forth no effort, that asshole. If there was any new material here, I sure didn't notice it. Also, Mario is still a chatterbox. Take a cue from Link and shut the fuck up you tampon.


There are 2 or 3 ghost houses in this game. Here Kirby chases you while platforms appear. Nothing new.

Gameplay: 7.5/10
The gameplay is extremely familiar in that it's a 3D Mario game... presented in 3D, no less. The problem here is that it desperately wants to be a 2D Mario game. For example, you must hold down a button to run. That is extremely odd in a 3D Mario game especially when the analog stick is supposed to control your speed... except that it doesn't. I've never been a fan of the "hold down a button to run" based gameplay. I find myself ALWAYS holding the button down and that is downright uncomfortable, especially with the micro-buttons on the 3DS (they are every bit as tiny as the buttons on the Wii controller. Yes they are THAT small!! Ridiculous, I know). I would rather press the button to move more slowly as that would be the more rare occurrence and definitely acceptable. Anyway (singular), you wander through your typical Mario stages with the same enemies as before. Maybe a few new ones like the snakes with question mark blocks. Nothing tremendously new here except that you can sometimes look through a viewer to see the stage ahead. Wow. Instead of stars you are collecting coins this time. Fortunately you can get all of the coins in one go and don't have to play the stage 3 times to get all 3 coins. Still, I found myself annoyed when I had to backtrack just to get more coins because I didn't have enough to pay the entry fee on a certain area. I just wanted to finish the game as fast as possible because there really isn't anything that makes me want to continue playing it. It must not take much to please Nintendo and its fans. There is also a Streetpass thingy which allows you to get coins and mushrooms and stupid stuff like that. It doesn't add anything personal to the game at all and also requires someone other than yourself nearby to ACTUALLY OWN a 3DS. Good luck with that. Overall this game often seemed more like a Mario-themed chore than anything exciting or new. In fact, I'm not even sure Nintendo knows the definition of the word "new".


World 5 shows a glimmer of creativity with this Zelda-themed stage. Unfortunately that glimmer fizzles out pretty quickly.

I tried playing in 3D but you have to keep the 3DS absolutely still to accomplish this. Move it even in the slightest and everything gets out of whack. Suddenly you find yourself desperately trying to re-center the 3DS to get your non-blurred view back and this is all going on while you are playing. In frustration you will just say "fuck it" and throw the 3D slider back to 2D where it doesn't matter if you move your 3DS around. If you're going to have a 3D system, at least make it usable in 3D. I wonder what Nintendo was thinking putting a gyroscope and an accelerometer in the 3DS. That requires movement. Movement breaks the 3D unless you weld the 3DS and your head to some sort of post so that you never break your 3 degree viewfield. 2D is the best way to play the 3DS.


This castle requires 100 coins, but I can't get in yet because I only have 91 coins. Why doesn't Bowser just make the
entry fee like 6,000,000 coins or something like that? Nobody could ever enter and he'd win unchallenged. Dumbass.


Wrap Up:
Why did I buy another Mario game even though I knew it wouldn't have a chance of standing out in the crowd of other Mario games? Because I am a fucking idiot who does not learn. I keep buying this shit because my IQ is in the single digits. God damn it how does Nintendo get away with this? If any other company did this, they'd be shit on by gamers for all eternity. I guess something about Nintendo just makes people dumber than a fruit fly with Down Syndrome™. It's not that the game is bad, it's just that it's the same old shit. There's only one reason to buy this game and that's because there's fuck all else to buy on the 3DS. This game isn't a remake of some ancient N64 game, surprisingly. That right there is pretty amazing. Maybe Nintendo is finally starting to believe in the failure that is the 3DS by providing it with semi-original material?
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