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Old 11-03-2007, 08:25 PM   #1341
Joe Redifer
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,128
The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass
5/10
Nintendo DS


I hope that whoever thought up the idea of the hourglass
gets high cholesterol and abdominal gas cramps.


Normally I'm not a fan of Zelda games. They aren't anything special. I did enjoy the SNES version, though. When I saw that this version offered unique DS control, I decided that it might be different enough to be fun. Even though the Wii version also has unique control, I don't like the motion-sensing crap that the Wii does (except for Metroid Prime 3, so far). Plus the game looked boring as all hell. Can the DS Zelda offer some quality time? Kinda.


The ship automatically turns and the camera does not, and
it sucks to turn manually. Oh, you get to jump random
things that just happen to be in your path as well!


Story: 2/10
Sucks. If you are between the ages of 2-5, the story might appeal to you. I think Nintendo might have some sort of Michael Jackson syndrome because they seem to be waaay too infatuated with children (that's what their games and systems are aimed at).


Later on in the game the dead skeletons demand money to talk to you.
WHAT THE HELL IS AN IMMOBILE SKELETON GOING TO DO WITH MONEY????


Graphics: 4/10
The graphics are pretty bad. They most certainly are NOT cell-shaded. They are very ugly, similar to Playstation 1 graphics moving at a slightly higher speed. The DS should try to shy away from 3D graphics. There is no reason for this game to have 3D graphics. It would have looked much better in 2D and lost nothing in the gameplay department (especially considering how little it has to lose). Hell, it would have probably gained in the gameplay aspect simply because in 3D it's hard to see exactly where you are when you must go through poles on an invisible path, etc.


Here's a shot of the top and bottom screen together.
It's hard to lose in this game. Even harder to stay awake.


Sound: 3/10
The music sucks ass. It's very similar every other Zelda game ever made. The dungeon music seems like it consists of only one note over and over and over and over. The sailing/title theme is kind of good, but that's as good as the music gets. The sound effects are nothing special, either. You do get a Japanese bitch saying "Hey!" a lot. I thought the game had some ultra-realistic snoring sounds, but that turned out to be me.


This dumb bitch keeps attacking you while you sail.
Again and again and again. Leave me be, whore!


Gameplay: 5/10
Zelda is NOT an action RPG. Anyone who thinks it is is a fool. It's a puzzle game, nothing more. Your hand is held as you make your way through the game. The dungeons are the puzzles which consist solely of stepping on or otherwise triggering switches to get past obstacles. Sometimes you must carry a shape to a platform to trigger a switch. Wow. The control really isn't too bad, but this game would have worked better with normal human control. My hand often got in the way of the screen and no way in hell was it more comfortable or better than using the d-pad + buttons. The game is as easy as cake. In fact the most challenging this about this game was getting up the ambition to play it. I kept telling myself things like "OK I'm going to play Zelda today, really I am" and then forget about it for a few days. When I did play it, I found myself going back to the same timed dungeon that's at the beginning of the game again and gain ad nauseam. I haven't yet finished the game and am sick of it. Fuck it, it's just too boring. I'd rather start on Phoenix Wright 3. Also, that dungeon relies a lot on stealth. What is this, Metal Gear Solid? Other things about the game that are bad was the sailing which is boring and extremely sllloooooowwww. The game should omit the sailing completely. Fucking Christ! You can draw notes on maps and whatnot and that was kind of cool even if the answers were still easily memorized or obvious. You can find new parts for your ship and customize it. WHAT THE FUCK? What is this, Gran Turismo? I hate the ship parts of the game and the last thing I want to do is play dress up with the thing. Some of the bosses are kind of fun, I'll give it that. There is also some wireless mode that I don't give a rat's ass about.


Oh, NOW the sailing becomes less annoying. Too late
you fucks, you should have done this right at the start.


Wrap up:
If you like fairly easy puzzle games where your hand is always in the way and are under 6 years old, you may like this one. I find it interesting that the Zelda clones (Golvellius, Crusader of Centy/Soliel, Golden Axe Warrior, etc) are always better than real Zelda games.
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