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Old 03-15-2007, 06:11 AM   #1247
Joe Redifer
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,105
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out
4/10
Nintendo Entertainment System


Nintendo later tried to get Tyson
to endorse their rape simulator.


Mike Tyson's Punch-Out is a game that every Nintendo fanboy creams themselves over at just the thought of. They have tried to pass laws to make it illegal to say anything about the game that is even slightly less than awesome. Well I'm about to break the hearts of many Nintendo fans and make them cry with my review since I didn't give it above an 8. Watch in horror (or amusement) as they are unable to cope with an opinion of the game that does not lavish as much praise as they think it should have. Ninja Gaiden Xbox fans are the same way. Of course Sega fans are perfectly OK and cool all the time.


Mario (right) makes an appearance to encourage
violence as a solution to every problem.


Graphics: 8/10
The graphics are pretty damn good for the NES. Sprites are big (especially since all of your foes are 12 foot giants), there is little if any flicker or slow down at all. The scrolling in the "training" scene is really cool and the Statue of Liberty looks so real you think you're watching an HDTV documentary on its significance to the New York area. The NES should not be able to pull this stuff off. Actually, I doubt it can. I'm sure it cheats by using some sort of assistant chip in the cartridge. Regardless, it does look and move great for an 8-bit game.


Nigga stole my bike!

Sound: 8/10
The sound of the crowd, while repetitive, does sound good for a low-meg 8-bit cart. It would have sounded more like running water if it had been on the Sega Master System. The music is engaging and gets me pumped, especially when an opponent falls to the mat. I like it. I wouldn't record it and listen to it in my car, but it fits the game well. Mario has little PSG buzzes for his voice, but it works out pretty well.


If you lose this match, Mike Tyson will eat
your face and poop it back out onto your head.
And you will likely lose, yes.


Gameplay: 3/10
First off, let me start out by stating that I hate the sport of boxing. It is fucking retarded. I also don't really understand (or care) how it works with the rounds and different jabs and such. The rounds certainly don't work like Street Fighter, but they should. Nintendo makes it even more jacked up by adding stars and hearts. I have no fucking clue what they do, although my number of hearts seems to decrease for no reason at a constant pace and when I press the START button I go into to some super-massive-combo mode or some dumbshit crap like that. A star will often appear over the head of my opponent when I hit them, not sure why. Sometimes I will randomly turn pink and lose all control of my character. I can't block, I can barely move, and I can't recover. Seriously, when this happens you might as well just put the controller down. It's bullshit, I tell you. Many of your opponents have varying ethnicities. And your character is white. You get to beat up on a ton of people who chose not to be white. You have to fight a few whities as well just to prove that you're their king. Nintendo is saying that they do not support races other than white people with this game, as you can only choose a white guy to beat everyone else up. You block by pressing DOWN, but this rarely seems effective when someone throws a color-flashing punch at you. You can throw punches to the gut or the face, but your opponents block most of your attacks. The control pretty much sucks shaved balls (with stubble). It's not very fun and actually pisses me off. I don't know where people are finding the "fun" in this game. I looked at looked and I could only find a good presentation, but not much enjoyment. I have more fun and ambition forcing out turds that have been sitting in my rectum drying up for 5 days. My NES deserves better games than this. **Plugs in "Kid Kool"** Yeah, that's better.


A 107 pound 17 year old? When I was 17, I was really
skinny and I weighed 135. This kid must be tiny. How
is it that he is able to fight 38 year olds (and older),
some who likely weigh three times as much? Asswipe.


Wrap Up:
I'm sure by now I've caused some very strong emotions with Nintendo loyalists as well as many bitter tears. But I will not change my opinion on this game.
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