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Old 06-06-2007, 02:23 AM   #1264
Joe Redifer
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 20,148
Princess Crown
7/10
Sega Saturn


If you like purple, you'll rock out to this cover.

Princess Crown is one of those games that can go for close to $100 on eBay. My copy just kind of fell into my lap for free thanks to a friend who was giving away boxloads of free brand new Princess Crowns at the time. Did you get yours? I had never even heard of the game the first time I was holding it in my hand. I put it in my Saturn and was bombarded with a ton of Japanese text. I put it away to try later. But everyone on the internet said it was the best game ever made, so I decided to give it another try.


This game destroys Soul Calibur when it comes to battles! Well, actually not.

Story: ?/10
The game is in Japanese, so I have no fucking clue what it is about. But from what I can gather, your name is Gradriel and your mom kicked some demon's ass in the beginning of the game. Everyone was happy. Then she had some dude penetrate her vagina with his penis and you were born. Then somehow she died because the graphic full-screen animated sex scene is the last we see of her (with the exception of a picture that hangs in the castle of the sex act). You are crowned princess or queen or whatever. Then you are sent to bed. You are like "Fuck this shit. I'm the god damn princess and I'm saving the world!", then you get dressed in your purple princess duds (crown included) and sneak out of the castle with the help of some fairy bitch. Along the way you save children and make friends with a few other people who usually show up to save your sorry ass. Later, the world is saved and everyone thinks that you are one hot piece of 13-year old ass. Pedophiles rejoice. This is your game.


You can talk to the ducks in some of the towns. That kicks ass.

Graphics: 8/10
This is a 2D game. 2D games kick ass. For the most part, 2D games wipe the floor with 3D games. You can have your polygons. Polygons are for pussies. Only people who like AIDS like polygons. Anyway the graphics here kind of show off the Saturn's god-like 2D powers. Unfortunately scrolling is only limited to 3 layers. Pfft. The Saturn can do way better. Then again this is Atlus. What do they know about super awesomeness? Maybe a little, but not enough! The graphics are all drawn very well though. I like that. Lots of detail. I like that as well. And when I like things, the score improves. The animation isn't bad, about what you'd expect from a company who chose the name "Atlus" to represent themselves. As with all RPG-type games, every town has the same people as the last town, at least visually. The princess herself has a dress which kind of makes her look like a pumpkin, especially when she squats.


You select one of 8 items by rotating the crap so that what you
want to use is in the bitch's outstretched hand. Genius!


Sound: 7/10
There's really not much to the sound. No voices, the sound effects are minimal, and the music is perhaps a bit above average. But again, this is Atlus. What do they know? Apparently their sound abilities have improved over the years, however. There are some good music tracks here and there, and it is all red book so you can pop it into your CD player and boogie down. The game is even in stereo, with the bitch's footsteps walking left to right during some loading screens. It will blow you away!


Slice up that little witch with your super moves!


Gradriel freaks out when she sees a hot naked fairy appear before her.
The makers of the fabulous Stormlord would be proud.


Gameplay: 7/10
It's an action RPG. You wander around towns and shit talking to people gaining information that you can't read since it is in some other retarded language that's not freakin' English. Seriously, English is the best language (I wouldn't speak it if it weren't). There is no use for other languages. All other languages should be destroyed immediately. OK, now then... you can also buy stuff and save in towns. You can wander the countryside and random battles will occur. The fairy bitch will give you your huge-ass sword out of nowhere. Honestly, where the hell is the sword the rest of the time? It's so big it couldn't easily be hidden. There probably is an in-game explanation, but of course it's in Japanese. The fighting scenes can be kind of cool. You have a few different moves which you can do, almost Street Fighter style. Unfortunately it seems to be very slow in this department... as in not responsive enough. If you pull off a super finishing move, you'll get a "sunburst" like many Street Fighter games. Kind of cool! Fighting the Goblins sucks ass because there are 3 of them and the unresponsiveness really shines when you fight them. You have a bag that can carry up to 8 items. To carry more you need to get another bag, but I have never been able to figure out quite how that works. You also eat lots of food to restore your strength and shit. Each food item usually lasts about 3 bites. Some foods you must cook. If you have a pan you can "combine" it with a raw food item to get a cooked food item. Each pan seems to be able to be used only once, and some pans don't seem to have any use. Pisses me off. You can also have pubs cook food for a fee. There are lots of items to use, and I'll be witch's nipple if I can figure out what most of them do. Many obviously increase some of your abilities in battle, but they have a limited-time effect. Lame. Still, once you get the hang of things the game is fairly fun. It lasts over 20 hours or so, then you can play as other characters (selectable by choosing different books in the beginning). This game would have rated an 8 at least if it had been in the one tr00 proper language... English!


The first of multiple dragons you must fight. Notice the screen fills
with words that are used to impress you in fighting games like "COUNTER!"
I'm impressed.


Wrap up:
So, like, I hear there is a spiritual sequel to this game for the PlayStation 2 called Odin Sphere or some shit.

Last edited by Joe Redifer; 06-06-2007 at 02:37 AM.
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