View Full Version : Which was the best Movie?

08-18-2002, 08:07 PM

"Bright Lights, Beef Jerky":

The film is clearly lifted directly from the Kwik-E-Mart security camera, where Snake cocks a shotgun at Apu. "Help, help! Police!" calls Apu. Wiggum retorts, "Hey, I got problems of my own right now," as his tie is pulled slowly into the hot dog rotating machine. "Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better..." The tape ends, and everyone applauds.

"Moe Better Booze":

Moe, donning a tuxedo, makeup, and a cane, dances on top of his bar and sings, "Money gets you one more round/Drink it down, you stupid clown/Money gets you one more round/You're out on your ass." He falls off his bar and yells, "Ow! My back!" Everyone applauds this one politely too.

"Man Getting Hit in Groin By Football":

Hans stands on a walkway; someone tosses a football at him. It hits him right in the groin, and he doubles over in pain.


Barney's movie is in black and white. It opens with a shot of a Duff beer bottle on a windowsill. Gauzy white curtains billow around it as the love theme from "M. Butterfly" plays. A hand grabs the bottle and turns it upside down; the camera pans slowly down to reveal Barney's lips on the other end of it.

The next shot shows Barney from above lying on a couch under the window. As a voiceover, he says, "My name is Barney Gumbel. I'm 40, I'm single, and I drink." The scene fades to a road where Barney lies in the gutter, drinking another Duff, then lying down. The Duff pours slowly into a sewer grating. "There's a line in `Othello' about a drinker: `Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast.' That pretty well covers it." The camera shows a time lapse view of clouds moving during the day, which turns to night, then back to day again. Barney has become an old man, bald, toothless, still lying in the same gutter. A tear leaks from his eye.

A woman watching the movie is moved.

Woman: It's brilliant: savagely honest, tender...he has the soul of a poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die!

Back on the screen, Barney sits in a chair and says, "My name is Barney Gumbel, and I'm an alcoholic." The camera pulls back to reveal several similarly-attired girls. Lisa says, "Mr. Gumbel, this is a Girl Scout meeting." Barney asks, "Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?"

The scene fades to a playing record player, then back to Barney on the couch, a rose held to his nose. "Don't cry for me," he narrates, "I'm already dead." He puts the rose in the Duff bottle on the windowsill; its petals fall off slowly, and the curtain billows in front of it as "Fin" appears.

Everyone applauds wildly; Marge blows her nose. "I think we have a winner," says Jay. Homer walks in holding a beer and asks, "What'd I miss?"

"A Burns for All Seasons":

The first scene opens with Mr. Burns atop a horse wearing a sombrero, rounds of machine gun ammunition draped across his chest. "Simple villagers," he says to a group of people, "I promise you I will close plants in America and bring work here!" Chespirito cries, "Viva Senor Burns!" and the assembled villagers cry, "Viva! Viva!" Burns' horse gallops off, but Burns doesn't manage to stay in the saddle, instead getting dragged back and forth along the ground. In the audience, Burns laments, "We did twenty takes, and _that_ was the best one."

The next scene features Mr. Burns saying, "Remember, Elliot, I'll be right here," on one knee to a child. The tip of his finger lights up briefly; he then enters a spaceship, its door spiraling closed, which takes off into the crimson sky. The audience murmurs angrily among themselves, "Pure egotism! Self-indulgent tripe," and the like. "I don't care what they say," vows Burns, "I'm going to win this festival!"

The next scene shows a Roman centurion on a horse leading a group of shackled prisoners across the desert. The last prisoner, who bears a striking resemblance to Charlton Heston, collapses from exhaustion. A shadow appears over him: a man kneels in front of him, strokes his hair, and hands him a bottle of spring later. "Drink up, Judah Ben Hur," exhorts Mr. Burns. Ben Hur does so, then looks up gratefully and says, "You truly are the king of kings." A heavenly light shines down upon Burns, and he says "Excellent." The movie ends.

08-21-2002, 01:53 AM
Man Getting Hit in Groin By Football - Best one.

xXx Beaver xXx
08-21-2002, 02:00 AM

I like Wiggum's one, very funny that dude!

- Triple X Beaver :spinface:

08-21-2002, 02:03 AM
Good to see people finally voting in this thread! I voted for Man getting hit my football, by the way.

08-22-2002, 10:48 PM
Well Barney's movie was great. But "Football in the groin" had a football in the groin.